The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
