Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
