If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My pussy is not your playground.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
