there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
