when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
