so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
