Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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