BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
