he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
