Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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