You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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