I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she told me i tasted like america
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Randomize
