I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
