ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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