It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
