i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
40s are totally the cure
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
