I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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