the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
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This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
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Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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