im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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