I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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