There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
