Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
