I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
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youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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