My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
