Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
