and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
