so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
