Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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