so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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