First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is Oprah even human
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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