a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sorry my hands just texted you
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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