I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
