Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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