that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You can't special order awesome
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
