Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
