I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
