I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
