oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
