no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
