Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
