You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
