Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
