a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
