I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
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All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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