mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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