I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I am morally bankrupt
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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