At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
