So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
