i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
