So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
