I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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