Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
