Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
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Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
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Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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