i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Randomize
