I think I won the penis lottery.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
