I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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