I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
