i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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