hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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