Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
