what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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