dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I could fuck to npr.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
