dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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